Wade Phillips released after getting drunk on sideline, and repeatedly singing "Two Piña Coladas" to entire offensive line during second half of game.

DALLAS, TX-  Wade Phillips has been released from the Dallas Cowboys, after an embarrasingly drunken display during Sunday nights game against the Green Bay Packers.

"He kept swaying around, and saying 'Hey!  Let me tell you something!'" remarked Cowboys WR Miles Austin, during a press conference held Monday at Cowboys stadium.  "I think he forgot my name, too.  He kept referring to me as 'Miles Davis', and repeatedly asked me to get him another beer.  I was trying to concentrate on the game."

"Wade kept singing that Garth Brooks song 'Two Pina Coloda's'", stated Cowboy's offensive lineman Marc Colombo.  "I asked him about a formation we were going to try in the third quarter, and who I should block, and instead of giving me direction, he just yelled 'Set sail with Captain Morgan, and never leave dry land!'.  I decided to just go out on the field and see what happened at that point, he was pretty far removed from the game."

"I did hire him because he's a good ole boy," claimed team owner Jerry Jones.  "That sonofabitch can outdrink any bastard in this organization.  That's damn impressive.  However, it kind of hurts our team when our coach is shit-faced during a nationally televised Sunday night game.  In fact, I think it hurts a lot.  He threw up on one of the refs in the second quarter, and it was then that I realized we had a problem."

Jim Belushi Issues Apology to America

 

Local Guy Builds Computer with Spare Parts found in Dumpster

KENT, OH- Local guy decides to shun both Mac and PC, and build his own computer with spare parts found in neighborhood dumpster.

"My hard-earned dollars mean a lot to me" claimed Douglass.  "When I bring home the bacon, I don't like to waste it on crap like new technology.  Besides, I'm saving all my money for a trip to Power Rangers Land, well, if they ever build it."

Douglass scrounged through a local dumpster, near the Kent State University dorms, for any spare parts he could salvage.  "I took home everything... old Epson monitors, fried mother-boards, even this V-tech keyboard I found in a bag filled with old lettuce.  People get rid of the best stuff!" explained Douglass.

After a stirring 20 straight hours of plugging and unplugging cables, soddering boards and circuits, and twenty packs of cigarettes later, Douglass had an operational computer.

Stated Douglass: "It takes forever on this thing to surf Tagged, but it's worth the wait.  And I'm still trying to figure out how to install Oregon Trail."

LeBron James' Mom Aqcuitted of DUI Charges

AKRON, OH- Gloria James, mother of basketball phenom LeBron James, was acquitted of all charges today at the Akron Justice Center.

"I told them son of a bitches I wasn't drinking and driving," quoted Gloria James. "I yelled and screamed and pleaded with the arresting officers. I even kicked-out the back window in the cruiser, trying to prove my point. They just wouldn't listen to me."

In a stunning change of events, Judge Reynolds dropped all charges, stating "This might be the Cavs last chance to make the playoffs. I can't have no bothersome DUI arrest of his mother distracting LeBron from bringing it home for us. We need LeBron focused out there. To some of us fans, he's our only shot."

Bailiff Joel Winston added: "Yeah, he's the chosen one."

"I think this is a travesty," stated Christy Brown. "I live next door to James, and last week, she almost ran over my kid while he was playing on the sidewalk. Then later she yelled at him for chipping the paint on her Lexus when she backed over his tricycle. Gloria needs to be locked up, or sent to some rehabilitation clinic, the woman really needs some help. She might kill someone."

Judge Reynolds: "Mrs. James will drink and drive again and again, providing dozens of chances for a DUI arrest. The Cavs winning it all... that's once in a lifetime."

Child's Birthday Party Ruined by Evil Clown

"That jerk ruined my kid's birthday party", claimed parent Karen Smith of Kent, Ohio.  "Our original clown cancelled at the last moment, so I had to quickly select a new one.  This clown named 'Pennywise' I found on Yahoo local was the only guy who coud fill in for me.  I probably should have checked his references."

Pennywise's antics included sreaming "WE ALL FLOAT!" repeatedly in the birthday boy's face, smashing the cake with his lizard-like talon of a hand, and then murdering and eating all of the children.  

"I guess it could have been worse," noted Smith.  "Last year we went to Chuck E. Cheese, and that guy in the rat costume really smelled heavily of booze.  Oh, and their pizza was under-cooked."

Malcolm's Favorite 5 "Worst" Horror Movies

#5 - Ice Cream Man (1995)

Not only does this turd of a movie star Ron Howard's ugly brother (that's right, someone is actually uglier then Ron Howard!), but the main character, played by said Howard brother, is a psychopath that drives an ice cream truck, delivering frozen treats with sprinkles of eye-balls to the local youth.

I guess when your brother stars on hit shows like "The Andy Griffith Show" and "Happy Days", stars in movies like "American Graffiti", and directs flim's like "Apollo 13" and "Backdraft", you fucking take what you can get.

#4 - Killer Clowns From Outer Space (1988)

I've always hated clowns.  They are pretty fucking lame.  So dream up a movie, where clowns come from outer space, wrap up humans in cotton candy, and drink their blood, and you have this wet fart of a film.

Worth watching, just to see the Killer Clown aliens turning John Vernon ("Dean Wormer" of Animal House fame) into a human puppet.

#3 - Slaughter High (1986)

Probably one of my favorite movies of all time, this one really sucks.  But yet you can't look away.  Like watching George W. Bush giving a speech a couple of years ago.  Or like noticing a dog turd on the sidewalk.

Take the composer of the hit Friday the 13th soundtrack (Harry Manfredini) + lackluster acting + a star of the film who actually committed suicide 1 month after it was released, and you end up with this movie.Worth watching alone just for the lawnmower death scene.  A definate first.
 
#2 - Redneck Zombies (1987)

I love zombie movies.  I've seen a ton of zombie movies.  And the sad thing is, even though this movie has some of the worst acting I have ever seen, horrible cinematoghraphy, and it was fucking shot with a camcorder, I don't hate it, and it's not the worst zombie movie I have ever seen.

The plot is dumb, but still somewhat engaging, the acting is piss-poor, but you still end up liking a few of the characters, and you walk away with over a dozen quotable-quotes from this feces of a film.

I like what Troma stands for, but honestly, I hate most of the movies they produce.  It seems like they blast a screenwriter, a directer, and handfull of actors with an endless amount of booze, give them a camera, and tell them to run wild.  Personally, the only time I've even watched this movie sober myself, was the first time I rented it.  But for some reason, I keep watching it.  Fun to watch when you are drunk and want to give your friends a "what the fuck?" moment.

I liked this movie enough that I actually added a plot and cast to Wikipedia for this stain of a film.  Oh god, I need a new fucking hobby.

#1 - Troll 2 (1990)

Billed as a sequel to the average at best "Troll" movie, this film not only does NOT have any of the original actors or characters from the first movie, but also does not have or ever mention "trolls".  I can only imagine seeing Julia Louis Dreyfus of "Troll" in this pig-vomit of a film.

Shoot by an Italian director, that barely spoke English, starring the "who's who" of "who's that?", this movie sucks so hard core, I still can't believe I ever originally watched it.

Troll 2 sat atop imdb's "Bottom 100" for several years (currently number 57), and it did for good reason.  You don't beat out Pluto Nash for nothing.  Horrendus acting, assinine plot, and yet again HORRIBLE acting.  But, for some reason, I still don't hate it.  In fact, I sorta like it.

Within recent years, I've noticed one of the actors (David McConnell) in Ohio Lottery commercials.  Nice.  George Hardy, the "dad" in the film, went back to his roots and is now a successful Dentist.  Basically no one else can be reached for comment.

Recently a documentary has been filmed, titled "Best Worst Movie", in regards to this flick.  Apparently, this cult classic crap-tastic movie has built up a following, so much so that they sell out midnight showings, successfully sell memorabilia, and that dentist dude earlier mentioned has become a hero to a few dis-illusioned fans.  Worth a look, if not at least a half a dozen, this turd tops my list.


This is my top 5 list, so if you agree, show me love, and if you differ, go fuck yourself.  :D

Man Bowls 137 At Local Bowling Alley

Local man Preston Manfredi recently scored 137 while bowling with friends at the Kent VFW sponsored 'Bowling Bucket'.

Manfredi displays his bowling prowess for the ladies. "Still got it!" exclaimed Manfredi. "My arm and hand kind of ache, but it was worth it. I had to prove to myself that my game was still in check, and that old age, a hip replacement, and my addiction to Viagra hasn't slowed me down."

Manfredi, of 78 years, is a retired television repair man, Vietnam veteran, and proud parent of five. "I have done great things in my life... I was in Siagon when they evacuated the city... I raised five beautiful children who achieved greatness in their personal and professional lives. I even met two previous presidents. However, it didn't mean shit to me... I had to prove to myself that my bowling game hadn't weakened over the years, much like my bones."

"The game was a roller coaster of emotions," claimed Hank Kiplinger, fellow veteran and friend. "There was that gripping spare on the fifth frame... that seven-ten split, where he picked up the seven... and that climactic strike in the seventh frame... by the time the game was over, I was clutching for my heart pills."

Manfredi is undecided on whether this will be his final game. "I'd like to go out on top. It's damn tempting to keep going though, shoe rentals are free on Wednesdays."

Conan to host new show in Andy Richter's basement

 

Conan reported to have signed a 20.5 million dollar deal  $20.50 deal with Richter Entertainment to host a new show in Andy Richter's basement.

"We figured it would be best to make a fresh start, and go back to our roots, when our comedy and skits were a little more edgy" said O'Brien.  "When Andy offered his basement as the new set, we new we had something special."

"We had to move all of my kid's toys and our Christmas decorations into the attic to clear up the space for the set" commented Richter.  "That aside, the transition has been a dream.  I'm excited to see what happens with this new project."

The new show will premier on public access channel 9, and will run in the 4:05 am time slot, after "The Knife Show".  For the series premiere, the show has secured guest spots from a guy who sort of looks like Tom Hanks, and Richter's exterminator "Jeff", who will demonstrate how to fumigate a basement for cockroaches.  Donny Douglass of Kent, Ohio, will serve as the first musical appearance, performing his hit "Tom Sawyer" on his Rockband set.

Arby's announces new $1 Menu

Arby's announced this weekend that they are re-tooling their $1 menu, at a conference held in front of the Arby's on 59.

"We were tired of having our asses kicked by Wendy's, Burger King, McDonalds, and Taco Bell's superior value menus. So our creative team has went back to the drawing board, and created our new $1 menu, sure to be a big hit with our consumers," stated Marge Fuerilla, Arby's Manager. "We are trying to make a name for ourselves here, above our reputation for tasteful holiday goblet glasses, those Barry White spots, and that Oven Mitt spokesman that was later found to be flammable."

Arby's has contemplated a new $1 menu for some time, but with the cost of food on their menu, there were no items priced anywhere near this mark. To solve this problem, Arby's had to get creative. "You see, here you have a junior with cheese. Retail cost for this sandwich is about a $1.99. So, we simply cut it in half, and there you go," tells Fuerilla. Among the half-junior, the menu also carries one and a half jalepeno poppers, a chicken finger, and a half pint of jamocha milk shake. Fuerilla also added, "We can't forget my favorite, a fist-full of roast beef. I see this as a favorite for those on the Atkin's Diet."

Downtown benefit concert not as successful as "Hope for Haiti" telethon

 

A Benefit for Haiti concert held downtown in Kent, Ohio, deemed "not as successful" as the "Hope for Haiti" telethon.

Kent local Donald Douglass set up Wednesday the 27th in downtown Kent, near the Pufferbelly Restaraunt, complete with his rockband set and a home-crafted "help Haiti" sign, to show his support and belt out his rendetion of David Bowie's "Suffragette City".

"I was watching tv last Friday, when all of a sudden some stupid fucking telethon came on, interrupting all of my regular programs" claimed Douglass.  "I was fucking pissed!  So after making sure I wasn't on PBS, I realized that this crap was on like every channel.  Too lazy to put in a dvd or something, I decided to watch it.  What the hell, I sure wasn't gonna be able to watch "Supernanny" as usual."

The telethon inspired Douglass to support the cause himself.  "I have no idea who this Haiti dude is, but he must be pretty damn special if all these yahoos are on television supporting him.  So I figured, why not lend a hand?  Plus, it gives me a chance to show-up all those hollywood douches."

The 20-minute concert failed to draw the crowd that Douglass had anticipated, so he eventually packed up his drum set and cardboard sign, and headed home.  "I got hungry", claimed Douglass.

Steve Jobs unveils next big Apple creation

 

Later found to just be a Mac Book with a iPhone and iPod taped to the sceen.