Jim Belushi Issues Apology to America

 

Local Guy Builds Computer with Spare Parts found in Dumpster

KENT, OH- Local guy decides to shun both Mac and PC, and build his own computer with spare parts found in neighborhood dumpster.

"My hard-earned dollars mean a lot to me" claimed Douglass.  "When I bring home the bacon, I don't like to waste it on crap like new technology.  Besides, I'm saving all my money for a trip to Power Rangers Land, well, if they ever build it."

Douglass scrounged through a local dumpster, near the Kent State University dorms, for any spare parts he could salvage.  "I took home everything... old Epson monitors, fried mother-boards, even this V-tech keyboard I found in a bag filled with old lettuce.  People get rid of the best stuff!" explained Douglass.

After a stirring 20 straight hours of plugging and unplugging cables, soddering boards and circuits, and twenty packs of cigarettes later, Douglass had an operational computer.

Stated Douglass: "It takes forever on this thing to surf Tagged, but it's worth the wait.  And I'm still trying to figure out how to install Oregon Trail."

LeBron James' Mom Aqcuitted of DUI Charges

AKRON, OH- Gloria James, mother of basketball phenom LeBron James, was acquitted of all charges today at the Akron Justice Center.

"I told them son of a bitches I wasn't drinking and driving," quoted Gloria James. "I yelled and screamed and pleaded with the arresting officers. I even kicked-out the back window in the cruiser, trying to prove my point. They just wouldn't listen to me."

In a stunning change of events, Judge Reynolds dropped all charges, stating "This might be the Cavs last chance to make the playoffs. I can't have no bothersome DUI arrest of his mother distracting LeBron from bringing it home for us. We need LeBron focused out there. To some of us fans, he's our only shot."

Bailiff Joel Winston added: "Yeah, he's the chosen one."

"I think this is a travesty," stated Christy Brown. "I live next door to James, and last week, she almost ran over my kid while he was playing on the sidewalk. Then later she yelled at him for chipping the paint on her Lexus when she backed over his tricycle. Gloria needs to be locked up, or sent to some rehabilitation clinic, the woman really needs some help. She might kill someone."

Judge Reynolds: "Mrs. James will drink and drive again and again, providing dozens of chances for a DUI arrest. The Cavs winning it all... that's once in a lifetime."

Child's Birthday Party Ruined by Evil Clown

"That jerk ruined my kid's birthday party", claimed parent Karen Smith of Kent, Ohio.  "Our original clown cancelled at the last moment, so I had to quickly select a new one.  This clown named 'Pennywise' I found on Yahoo local was the only guy who coud fill in for me.  I probably should have checked his references."

Pennywise's antics included sreaming "WE ALL FLOAT!" repeatedly in the birthday boy's face, smashing the cake with his lizard-like talon of a hand, and then murdering and eating all of the children.  

"I guess it could have been worse," noted Smith.  "Last year we went to Chuck E. Cheese, and that guy in the rat costume really smelled heavily of booze.  Oh, and their pizza was under-cooked."